A cute little blonde with a beautiful smile and fun personality–a sassy, musically talented, smart, sporty, Jesus girl…that’s what the world saw, but inside was a darkness and feeling of complete imperfection, worthlessness and failure.

This is what was going on with my precious first-born, Olivia, and I had no idea (She has given me permission to share my side of our story and she has also written an article from her perspective, read here). There were a few things that seemed a little off, but I had no clue that this battle was going on within her.  Until one day I received a call from her, from the school bathroom.  She was nauseated, dizzy, her heart was racing, and she was very weak.  I immediately alerted the school and went to pick her up.  It took me about 20 minutes to get to her and by the time I arrived, the school secretary informed me that she had passed out in the bathroom.  I certainly knew something was wrong now!  I have a Type 1 Diabetic daughter and my mind immediately went to that, so we tested blood sugar and ketones.  Her blood sugar was fine, but her ketones were very high, and things just weren’t adding up.  I took her to the car, and I of course went to Google to see what would cause such high ketones.  My heart sank instantly, and a thousand realizations flooded my mind– the dry mouth, the not eating with the rest of the family because she “didn’t feel well”, the size 0 jeans bought a week earlier that were now falling off her, the intense mood swings and so many other things…we were dealing with an eating disorder. 

We sat in silence for a few minutes, and she finally began to share how she started skipping meals and finally stopped eating at all. She was now not even drinking much water.  Inwardly, I was crying out, “Oh God, what do I do?  Please help!”, while outwardly, I tried to hold it together, hoping she would continue to feel comfortable enough to share.  Within the next few days, there were issues revealed that my husband and I realized were beyond our scope of experience and ability to resolve, and we contacted a Christian counselor.  I am so thankful for godly counselors who have a desire to help others (Prov. 19:20)!

There were many ups and downs over the next months.  We prayed, made strategies for change, went to counseling, prayed, took a LONG break from social media, cried and prayed some more!  One night stands out vividly in my mind.  I went into her room, and she was in the fetal position, weeping uncontrollably.  I sat on the floor next to her, scooped her up and held her for what seemed like hours.  She cried, I cried, I prayed silently, I prayed aloud, and ended with some conversation and scripture we looked up together.  One of our favorites was Psalm 34:18, “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” He made this promise very real to us that night and we all look back on that moment as a turning point for her and our family.

I am constantly encouraged by the changes she has allowed God to make in her life and the way she has been able to help other teens with some of the same issues she deals with.  She may not realize it, but she is exhibiting discipleship in its simplest form by coming beside them and sharing what God has done in her life and showing them that they can allow Him to work in them too.  I do not pretend that we handled everything perfectly in dealing with my daughter’s issues, but I do know this…God did not leave us alone!  He was there through all the confusion, feelings of guilt, and helplessness.  It has not always been easy to accept some of the hard truths that have been revealed along this journey, but God has given all of us the grace and humility to make necessary changes and grow (Ps. 145:14). It is my prayer that in sharing our story, moms and daughters will realize that it is “ok to not be ok” and that asking for help is important.  

About the Author: Sarah Lawson is wife to a pastor and the promotional director of MI and mom to two beautiful teenage daughters, Olivia and Emily.  Life is extremely busy, but she enjoys being able to help others with life, especially teaching people how to use technology to function in this changing world and help them remember they have much to offer the Kingdom of God!